In my fifteen years of helping people change their lives working with emotional distress I have learnt many new things about human life and behaviour. Many of these lessons have come about with experience and not from books. One of such lessons is- how do we know when someone has completed the grief ‘process'.

Every time I experienced significant loss – redundancy, the death of my Dad, the death of my marriage – I experienced each one of them very differently.

A friend asked me, "What is grief, exactly?" I gave him the simple answer: "Grief is the natural response of a body and mind to a traumatic loss." But, I realized that definition doesn't help anyone who has not grieved really understand grief, nor does it alleviate grief for anyone experiencing it. Whether we care about our own or someone else's grief, we must study the process and its symptoms to be helpful.

No words or gifts can ease the pain and suffering caused by the loss of a loved one. In their desire to provide comfort, friends and relatives will send flowers and gifts. Perhaps they will make a charitable donation. Some choose to send a ready-to-heat gourmet meal. Others will send a sympathy gift basket of ready-to-eat foods and snacks, a fruit basket or a gorgeous spray of flowers. While these are all wonderful ways to express their sympathy, friends and family often neglect the simplest, most basic, and perhaps the most appreciated of all the gifts – the gift of your time.

Not infrequently, death occurs and surviving family members and friends do not have the opportunity to say goodbye to the loved one who died. Fatal automobile accidents and heart attacks, hurricanes, murders, and many other unexpected events are the catalysts for much anxiety and deeply felt grief.

Many survivors are guilt ridden when in fact there is clearly no outward cause for such guilt. They did nothing wrong. Yet, unexpected death often wipes out our ability to see that we did not create the circumstances to cause the emotion being experienced.

When someone dies it's hard to know just what to say to the loved ones who are left behind.

Sometimes there's an opportunity to say something at the funeral or memorial service, but both those events can be fairly overwhelming.

You may find it easier to write down what it is that you want to say and send it in a card. This makes it easier to give some thought to the actual words and to express your feelings in the way that you wish.

My first wife died several weeks ago. We were married almost thirty years, we have four kids and four grandsons, and we were divorced four years ago. Donna was sick for many years, and her body finally gave out. As sad as it was, it was also a relief. As I am fond of saying, The Angel of Death is not always an enemy, and in this case it was true. But as difficult as the last years might have been between us, her death created new and wrenching dilemmas for me and the kids.

How does one start over after the loss of a loved one? It is a monumental task that just feels overwhelming at times. Similar rebuilding occurs after the death, divorce or separation of a loved one.

First comes the shock of the loss and an almost denial that is has happened, particularly if there was no warning. We have hopes and dreams of the future that include our loved one and suddenly he or she is not there. How will we cope? How can we go on?

You’re home now. From the cemetery. The earth crusted in the soles of your shoes isn’t dry, yet. And as you make your way through a crowd of well-wishing family members, somebody’s nosy next-door neighbor, and a big-haired smiling snooping stranger, you notice a path of footprints embedded in your living room carpet. You realize they aren’t yours.

And you wonder, "Will I ever be happy. Again?"

I’m here to tell you, yes. Yes, you will.

Because where you are now, newly widowed, I once was.